he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Randomize
