The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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