I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
