Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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