He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
two words: eviction party
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You made out with two different species that night
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Randomize
