Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
