Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
