smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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