maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
