remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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