Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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