Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
