Why are handjobs necessary in class?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
