you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
