she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
