Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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