I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You can't special order awesome
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
