I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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