i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
