You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
