My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize