I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I faked an abortion last night.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
