my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
