Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
We need to get me chipped asap
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
