he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
