I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
