so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
