I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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