Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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