I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
