too bad you live with your parents still
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
