Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
