he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
