i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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