I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
