Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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