you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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