it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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