I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
