i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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