Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize