If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
