Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
