So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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