this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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