Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize