i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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