This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
