for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I forget how to act sober
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
