Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
