I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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