better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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