the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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