i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
