I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
