I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
pray to the hookup gods
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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