it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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